Wireless is faithless, and I’ve just gotten myself back on the Wifi network. Mom was here for about 9 days, which was short and long. That was true for both of us. We’re the only surviving members of our nucleus family of three. When Daddy Doll was alive, we had this powerful bond that seemed to exclude the rest of the family, i.e. Mommy.

Triangle relationships are very fascinating. My life seems to be full of these: Mommy, Daddy and I; me and my twin male cousins whom I loved and hated by turn, and with whom I formed and broke pacts; me and my “wife” back in boarding school, and the “daughter” we adopted (and sometimes tried to get rid of), and the resulting threesome “wedding portrait” at the local photographer’s. It is still the oddest piece of souvenir from my pubescent years.

When I was a kid, adults seemed to have the tact of bombarding kids with the “innocent” question of “who do you prefer the best – mommy or daddy?” By the way, my mom was a part of a sisterhood of three, and to add to the confusion, my cousins and I called all three sisters “mommy” and all their husbands “daddy” (don’t ask me why, I think it was linked to some Communist ideal of sort, and I still have three moms, but only one dad left from the original Communist days, having lost one to divorce and one to death). So the questions could also turn to, “Which mommy and which daddy do you prefer the best?”

My cousins were stupid enough to give the honest truth, including their rankings, and got subsequent punishment from invisible forces. I always told everybody, “I love mommy and daddy the same!” And the adults would nod their heads in approval, “What a smart kid!”

In fact, this was the watchword of mommy, “Share your toys! Love everyone the same!” Until this day, I cannot bring myself to say that I feel closer to cousin #1 than to cousin #2, or vice versa (I’m careful to add), for fear of being punished for my unfaithfulness and partiality. As a matter of fact, I am so out of touch with my feelings in this arena that I cannot answer to that question if my life depended on it.

Most people think that my concept of faithfulness is more than a little bit skewed. There are days that I don’t want to share my toys. And sometimes I really love one person more than anyone else. But I usually immediately tell myself that this is selfish thinking, and that I have to elevate myself to the status of a selfless saint, at any rate enlarge the couple to a triangle. In the end, there’s really no striving necessary in the formation of couples or triangles, or in the acquiring and giving up of toys. What is yours will be yours. What is meant to be will be. The dynamic is never static, ever-changing, as you are struggling in the very act of defining. This is like the flow of Yin and Yang, and the subsequent creation of all things from this generative force; or Brahma, Vishnu, and Siva – the Hindu trio of the creator, the preserver and the destroyer; or the Christian trinity – the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost…. All ancient wisdom seemed to have understood this principal of three and the ceaseless movement that is a part of our life in this universe.

In my case, it has been one long stupendous suspension of judgment facing the delicate threads of human tissue being constantly weaved and re-weaved, exactly like how as a child, I could watch in wonder for hours at ends my Chinese silkworms spin out their own miraculous universe.

Oh yeah, in case you still wonder, I’ve always loved both Mommy and Daddy the same, only differently.

© Post-Modern China Doll

p.s. I’ve got questions about private posts. I have cleared some of them out from MySpace and all diary is in Livejournal now, and everything there is private. I think the blogging function of MySpace sucks ass. Have tried WordPress and am thinking of integrating either Mambo or WordPress into my website. Does anybody have any suggestions?

Currently reading : Curves to the Apple: The Reproduction of Profiles, Lawn of Excluded Middle, Reluctant Gravities By Rosmarie Waldrop Release date: 15 September, 2006